When you lose somebody important in your life. When they leave you, all that you feel is emptiness. You can try to express yourself about how much you still hurt, but it never feels like it’s going to ease up. People tell you “oh it’ll get easier with time”. Well, maybe it just hasn’t been long enough for me! but I don’t find that statement to be true! It doesn’t get any easier… you might recover more of your days as time passes. You might even be able to function on a higher level the further time gets you from the last moment you were in their presence. Honestly, I hate to admit it, but that peace is never permanent and you will always have bad moments. The ones filled with embarrassment for your pain and the ones covered in regret for moments lost. The worst moments are the ones spent in the sheer irrationality of thinking maybe you could’ve done something different that would’ve created a different outcome! Most days I feel heavy and broken at the same time, I just wanna be near him even if it’s for a moment, and even if it’s only in my mind! But then there are the moments like tonight when you realize his life is not over just because his soul left his body. Tonight something hit me while watching his great grand babies play the way we did as kids and like our parents before us!…. My papa didn’t leave me! he just went home and now he sits in the greatest company, feeling the best he has ever felt. In this perfect existence, he is free of pain! so yes while I carry my regret and I carry some embarrassment for how I feel even after 11 months, I know, my papa isn’t gone he went to sit with God, to guide me and all his babies. He went to care for me and love me from above! He will help turn me into the beautiful butterfly he always saw me as! when I think of my grandfather I will choose to be proud strong and graceful because that’s what he saw when he looked at me! that’s how he felt about me and all the girls. Now, I see it doesn’t get easier, but with a slight change in mindset, I can use this as a shield instead of a dagger. I won’t live in the mindset that would make my grandfather sad I’m gonna make an active choice to honor him! For I am a flower in my grandfather’s garden and I bloom with all the most beautiful flowers in the world. Each seed was planted by his hand and warmed with his love and light. I am my family’s keeper!
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